Critical Free Advice On Planning A Wedding!

As a ‘Key Player’ in a recent wedding in the family, and having spent months organizing the celebration, I now consider myself some sort of an expert on the process, and can offer some free advice to those planning one!

Advice 1: Everything will go over budget!

No matter how much discipline you try to maintain, your initial budget will be a joke and your final bills will be many folds your estimates.

So grin up and bear up, these are the times that separate the boys from the men! (Not to

mention the solvent from the bankrupt!)

Advice 2: prepare for the women of the house to have frequent meltdowns:

Men can keep the ‘stiff upper lip’ and project a calm exterior even in the most stressful situations that a wedding planning throws up…The women of the house however are under no such compulsions! They can, and they will, have frequent hysterics, and will fall apart often. Sometimes for the silliest of reasons, or at the slightest pretext…A blouse not fitting, A cancelled hairdresser appointment, is enough!

Advice 3: you can never make any of the local wedding guests happy:

Don’t even try! You call some people for one function, and they get upset that they have not been called for all! Call others for all functions, and they groan at this immense social pressure and will attend only one function. Remember, there is no winning!

Advice 4: Remember the vegetarians :

Yes, they do exist and one has to be broad-minded enough to realise that they too have feelings and expectations! Especially if you are Parsi, take a few moments off from the hour-long debate of deciding if you should have ‘Patra-ni-Maachi’ or ‘Margi na Farcha’, and spare some thought to the Veg menu as well. Just telling the caterer “Do -teen sabzi bhi add kar dena” is not cool!

Advice 5: Be prepared to deal with new shaadi terms and features:

Weddings are way more complex than they used to be! So familiarise yourself with the new termologies. And try not to get shell-shocked by their sheer stupidity! Examples:

Shadow to Bride: (later she will be called “Shadow Didi”) basically a slave on rent for the duration of the wedding, where she will wait hand and foot on the bride, even fixing her extra large gins and tonics to deal with the stress and will obey commands like “Shadow Didi, mera mobile puccado na!”

Couple Entrance: where it will be proposed that the to-be wed couple will enter with dancers and peacocks (or dancers dressed like peacocks!) and band baaja! Gone are the days when the couple would just shyly enter. Now it has to be like a Bollywood production.

Advice 6: Be prepared for the unexpected:

An unruly, drunk guest, a last-minute screw-up in the audio system, a tariff jam to the venue, a hotel guest getting into a car of another wedding party and then calling for help from 20km away, changed flights, hotel room mix-up, wardrobe insecurities (where the bride’s mother after taking months to select a saree, doesn’t think it’s good enough at the last minute)…

Just chill, Relax and everything will work itself out! Yes, if the booze looks like it’s going to run out, then PANIC!!!

Advice 7: The demon is in the guest list :

You and your wife will lovingly hold hands and smilingly will finalise the venue, menu, decor and all other heads! But come to the ‘guest list’ and be prepared for a ‘battle royale’! Suddenly, the tension between you both will be palpable, neither side will concede an inch (or a guest) and it will get bitter …. During the negotiations, the wife will unnecessarily bring up ‘How you outrageously flirted with some lady at a party 20 years ago’ (You didn’t! It was an innocent conversation), An inappropriate joke you made at another party 10 years back( wasn’t that bad, and you got laughs), how you unfairly screamed at her with she banged up your car even though she was not to blame ( You did, but it was her fault!)… Finally broken and battered, you will give in, and let her have her way, and peace will return.

But in the end, it is all worth it! A time and celebration to cherish with those you love most!

Friends will step up and be a huge help, other friends will come from all over to share your joy!

Most invitees will never know of the minor screw-ups that happen behind the scenes! You will enjoy the occasion and have a bag full of beautiful memories!

But one last headache will remain…Breaking the bad news to the the bride that ‘Shadow Didi’ has now to be released, and cannot be held back as a personal slave forever!